I can barely think about anything besides how unwell I feel right now, so we’re going to talk about that.
I’m dizzy, lightheaded, nauseated, short of breath, and I have a headache.
And no, I’m not going to go home from work, because I just know that as soon as I’m able to sit on the couch and rest for twenty minutes, I’ll feel fine, and then the guilt will set in about using sick time when I didn’t need to.
Which is, of course, ridiculous. If I’m pretty sure I’m going to feel better by going home, why wouldn’t I?
But that’s just the culture of my 8-5 office job. I need to save up that sick time, “just in case” something bad happens and I really need it. And I’m at less than a week right now. I’ve been using it quite often because my mental health is an absolute mess.
I know, I know, you’re not supposed to use sick time for “mental health” days, but first of all, that’s a dumb rule.
Second of all, when I take time off for my mental health it’s either because I had an anxiety attack at work (which, of course, means I feel very much like I’m dying, and that’s not an exaggeration), or because I feel that one is imminent and if I don’t get some rest, I’ll end up sobbing on the floor of the bathroom stall. Which I have done several times and yes, it’s just as unpleasant as it sounds.
Last time I took a day off for my mental health, I cleaned my entire fucking apartment, top to bottom. Cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, vacuumed all the surfaces, washed everything from towels to sheets, and ran about a dozen errands that were weighing on my mind. And only then did I feel like I could rest peacefully for a little while.
But back to whining about my current situation.
I’m sitting at my desk trying to distract myself from the fact that I’m pretty sure I can feel the world spinning beneath my feet. I’m sipping on Sprite trying to settle my stomach and get at least a few extra calories in my body, because I sure as hell can’t eat the potato and corn soup that I brought for lunch. And I’m just hoping that the day will go by quickly, so that I can go home and relax before having to come right back into this florescently lighted, overly air conditioned, stress inducing office building.
Oh wait, we have to get groceries today.